Salty Freshness

I've always been pretty fond of eating fish. For some reason I always thought it was a little exotic. It has always been a rather rare thing for me. Growing up we usually had some sort of beef or chicken, matched with a form of a potato and some vegetable that my parents would make me choke down. Fish was not something that graced the Davis household, with the exception of the occasional tuna sandwich. My father, in all of his greatness, was never a fan of fish. He despised it actually. All except the tuna sandwich, and that had to be my grandma's recipe. However, I have not logged in tonight to discuss tuna, oh no, my dear readers. That will not take place here. The purpose of this is to sing the praises of my Granny and her ability to conjure up the greatest fish treat known to man, or at least to a young adolescent. My Granny was an amazing woman. She was a rather larger than life figure. Although only standing five feet nothing and probably never weighing in over 100 pounds in her whole life, I was certain that they didn't come much better. She married young, had six kids, two of which came in the same year (my aunt was born in January 1958, my mom November of that same year), and somewhere along the way she managed to create the most perfect, lightly crisped Salmon patties. My Granny was an amazing woman. And she took a pretty amazing fish, one that lives in both fresh water and salt water, and made it into a first class meal in its afterlife. I remember being young at her and Poppy's farm, getting into whatever trouble my brother and I could get into and then coming in to that most glamorous meal. I remember when I first ate it. I was kinda worried for this was not something I was accustomed to. It took some convincing but since she was my Granny, I knew that she wouldn't lead me astray.  Little did I know that I'd be in for a treat that day. I'm almost certain that from that day forward I hoped that that's what would be on the stove whenever I came in. Although she passed away in 2002, whenever I think of her this food immediately comes to mind. I've not had any quite like hers actually. But this is only one of the many memories I have of her. This woman had a tremendous impact on my life, in more ways than just fish products too. She was a woman that encouraged me in everything I did and always made me feel like I was the best and the brightest. She taught me lessons in hard-work, loyalty, and in compassion. She was one of the most selfless people I've known and I try to mimic her in this way in my life.

I Hesitate To Go Here

C.S. Lewis once said that "To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you." His short, simple definition was spot on. His short, simple definition completely sums up  what Christianity is, or is supposed to be. It is grace, it is love. We've all heard the term "grace period." We all know that a grace period is something that we do not deserve but we receive anyways, out of the goodness of another's heart. Grace is a term that defies all logic and reason. Grace trumps Karma. They can't coincide. 


Although Hazlitt's was an example, and a very short example at that, what he says about the way Christians act is completely accurate. I say that as a generalization, of course. The Christian that the world is shown is constantly "casting the soul that differs into hell-fire." But that is not the way it was intended to be. These are religious people who have lost sight, or never sought, the truth. (Although many might argue the validity of this with one particular passage in the Gospel of John that mentions something about truth.) The truth is that if Christians are to be followers of Jesus, then they should act as Jesus acted. Jesus, as documented, was a man of the aforementioned grace and love. He exemplified these words in His life. He exemplified these words in His teachings. He was not a man of hate and bitterness but of love and service. A life of compassion that is to be an example to human beings altogether. 


The world misses the message of Christianity because the Christian has led them to. The world's Christian is too worried about damning people, when they should be loving people. That Christian gets so caught up in damnation that they fail to realize the sole purpose of Christ's life. He spoke more on helping the poor and the sick than He spoke on anything else. But that doesn't seem to concern those that are here to love a hurting world.  


The world's Christian makes it about the religion, instead of the relationship. The world's Christian is me a lot of the time. As an active member of a church and on a praise and worship team, I rarely live the life that is expected to me. I go to class and become a different person. I point out flaws and speak illy of others. I hurt the world instead of helping it. I rarely build up so that can only mean that I'm tearing down. I'm the hypocrite that so many hypocrites openly speak about. And yet, I'm still shown that grace. It is a much needed grace too. Because if I was to rely on myself then there'd be no hope. I'm holding out for that grace.

The Conversational Element

Although I hesitate to say that I'm this sort of essayist, I think I'm a Conversationalist. I feel that the ambivalence and self-doubt fit me the best of all in my life. This sort of ambivalence has almost lead to me being a contradiction in almost every aspect of life. I feel that this contradiction could be reflected in my writing. I do not necessarily like this aspect of me, however I don't mind that it is reflected in my writing. Since this style is conversational, I feel that it is good that my personality is reflected; especially considering that that's what the personal essay is based off of. 

The self-doubt is probably what I possess even more than the ambivalence. I feel that self-doubt is something that is inside of every single human being. This doubt is what defines us sometimes, or me, in this case. The doubt is what makes me want to be better in all aspects of life. The fear that my thoughts or capabilities will be inadequate runs deep inside of me and its something that has been with me a majority of my life. Although I rarely speak of these feelings, I think that they will come flowing out in the form of personal essay. They are much easier to write on paper to unknown readers than to actually express them vocally. 

In Over my Head: A Story on How my Flaws, Lead to my Failures.

Oh, to be young and know everything the world has to offer. To lack fear of change, or to lack boldness to admit it. This was me at the age of 17 when I graduated high school. I had experienced so much in my small little town of roughly 2,000. I had been a mediocre student with exceptional people skills. I had no money managing skills and little study habits at all. So, who was to think that I couldn't go to Oklahoma State and major in engineering? Just my parents, my sister, my brother, my aunts, my uncles, my coach, etc, etc. Its not that these people lacked faith in my abilities, its just that they knew me too well. Sure, I'd say that I was going to work hard and stay on top of my school work and always go to class but saying and doing are two separate things. High school was but a mere precursor for what college was to offer. And the very first day, although I wouldn't admit it, was a clear cut sign. I walked into an auditorium that held as many people as my entire school system. Talk about a real shocker. I tried convincing myself that it wasn't a very big deal, and to many it is not, however I did not fall under that category. I don't come from a very long line of college graduates, nor of a wealthy family, so my parents were not of much help other than to tell me to work hard. I appreciate everything that they've done and everything that they do but the support that was there for many, just didn't exist for me.

Now that is the end of the woe is Trevor part. Of course a young man in my situation could handle a situation like that. I mean, it happens all of the time. What, with hard work, determination, and a good grasp on the situation people can overcome just about anything. Without all three though, there is an impending doom. Hard work is not something I lack. Well, when it comes to a job, a sport, or to roping. Determination has never necessarily been a problem either, for without determination, hard work is rarely seen. What I lacked was a good grasp on what I was getting myself into when I moved in the first place. I moved to Stillwater with 400 dollars in my bank account, a 300 dollar a month rent payment and a 200 dollar a month truck payment. Oh yeah, and no job. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to do that math. However, I only made a B in Algebra III. But I was certain I could do it. Surely finding gameful employment wouldn't too difficult in that town. That was not the case when I started my search though. It took me a full month to find a job and when I did, it was working at a gas station on the graveyard shift. I would get off work at 7:00 A.M. and go straight to class most of the time. This did not help my already poor study habits nor did it lead to the most exciting social life, which we all know is the most important part of college. It really didn't take too long for me to realize that my situation was not going to work. Only after a month of attempting this I threw in the towel. I admitted to myself that I wasn't prepared and I decided to go to a nearby community college where I ended up having reasonable success. At first I was ashamed of what had happened but as I talked to more people, I realized that my scenario was not uncommon. I am happy where I am now and thankful that I have that experience to draw from.

Photos of Trevor

Having my photo taken leads to an over-analytical process that takes place in my head. The whole time leading up to the picture, and even while the event is taking place, all I can do is wonder if I should take a serious picture and try to live up to the moment, or should I try to make the picture more entertaining for whoever sees it. Its not that I don't think I' m photogenic really, for I think I look rather dashing in most photos, but whether or not others will see through what is just a picture. I'm not necessarily insecure about my looks, I just think my personality is my stronger suit (although it may rarely come out in this class.) It takes a little while for me to come out of my shell but for those that know me, they know that I am quite entertaining and tend to always have a good quip for any moment.
I feel that a picture gives the opportunity for me to have fun, even when it is not quite the time. A picture for me isn't necessarily about the outcome of the shot but more so the memory that I create while being in the picture. I can still think back to team and group pictures that I was in throughout my life and I tend to be able to conjure up a good memory about that moment. They are usually with my closest friends and seeing the the photo takes me to the time that I had with them and all of the fun that we had, and still have when together. For me, photos don't say words so much as bring back memories, as well as create new thoughts.

Visible Opinions

Unchartered waters that I'm nervously exploring are ones where my classmates can see what I'm writing. Although I have the desire to become stronger in the form of essays, I am uneasy about my peers being able to view my work. I feel that being opened up to criticism and/or praise could be of great value though and I look forward to that in this class.